For Garrett.

Today my first son was born. His name is Garrett Taylor Ferguson. He was so beautiful. His curly hair and olive skin,hazel green eyes, I remember it like yesterday. Garrett was the best little boy, and I am sure, the best young man. You see, years ago I was not the best person, I was into drugs,never ate, and could not stick up for myself. I lost Garrett to his Dad during the divorce. From there I continued down a stupid path that has reflected on my relationship with him today. I have not seen Garrett in 6 years. The last time I was able to look into his beautiful little face was 6 years ago. It is the hardest thing for me to say...I haven't seen Garrett in 6 years. I feel like a horrible person for not fighting for him, ever. I know that he is being taken care of very well, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't want to breakdown and lose it. I think back and remember how he smiles and laughs, it is the sweetest thing. I have one picture of him, yes, ONE. Tylor, my 2nd beautiful boy, keeps it next to his bed. He wants to meet his brother so bad. He can't remember him. I wish so much that I get the courage to find and fight to see him. I am not sure how long this Mom can go without him anymore. I just want the world to know that I am sorry for my past decisions. I love Garrett very much, and wish that he could read this. I love you Garrett Taylor! I can't wait to see you one day. I know that you are a wonderful person and you deserved so much better. MOM (kellie)

Sometimes I can't hear myself think!!!!!

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with your wonderful children telling you about their school day????????????????????????

Well, I get home about 2 minutes before they do. This means that I do not even get to get the mail, let my dog out, or pet my cat before they come RUNNING, literally. I get so claustrophobic!!! My air get thin, my brain is screaming, and my fake smile is very hard to maintain. I love my crazy kids, but I need a MOM break every now and again. My wonderful husband does not have to worry about kid homework or laundry, and normal cleaning-yes, I am jealous! I feel like a housewife, without the bon-bons and awesome gym membership with a great body! Instead I work 25 hours a week, do all the kid stuff, and do my own school work, clean, and do laundry. Tim works 45 hours a week and then watches Sportcenter and football. He does cook from time to time, but not often enough to count. I am not bitter, ok, I am a bit. So, I guess this is why I have this here blogger, to vent!!! I found it's special purpose!!!
I know that I am on medication daily to control my craziness, but I still get to the point of: NOT BEING ABLE TO HEAR MYSELF THINK!!!!!!!!!

Classes that are irrelavant!!

The classes that I am taking right now in school are not relavant to my degree! Why do I have to learn about "Religions of the World"??? It is an iteresting class, but I have way too much knowledge about different religions now. I will not use this in my daily life or my future employment of choice. GGGRRrrrrrr.
The other class I am taking is Environmental Science. Now this class is hard! It is pretty crappy learning about how horrible the Earth is because humans live on it! How because the ozone depletion is going to kill just about everything...yes, even synthetic materails are going to be harmed! Anyway...I will not use this in Psychology! I am a Psychology students, not a tree hugger. I do my best to use less energy and stuff, but I already knew our Earth is in danger! I did not need to know every little detail of it! It makes me feel really horrible being a human.
See maybe I can counsel Tree Huggers that took this class or something. At least I would know what they were taking about!
I am starting my first two degree related classes next month...everyone, WISH ME LUCK!

I just needed to vent about my classes...I just finished my paper on the
5 Pillars of Islam...understand now?

I can't believe I'm missing it!!!!

Tonight is the Blue October concert. I will not be there. that bites. This band is so great and means a great deal to me. The music, lyrics, and voice are to wonderful to put into words. Anyway, i had to make a quick gripe about me not being there. i guess i will just have to settle with the two shows i will be at next week. thursday night is HENRY ROLLINS (not the music) and sunday night is STRUNG OUT!!!!! yeah, this band is fantabulous...not to mention the singer jason cruz is very hot and sexy!!!!! yes, my husband knows i say this!
I will miss tonight, but i will have to get over it. my friend daniel will have to fill me in...damn him for going!!

Stupid day...

Today at work sucked badly! i think that the place i work at is about to close. we have been struggling for a long time. business has been very slow. so between me and tim, we are pretty much in a crap mood today. things are getting a bit more serious, my boss said we might just have to close because we can't pay our electric bill, among other bills. so anyway, i guess i need to start looking for new employment, that is a hard thing for 2 people to do when you only have 1 car! i guess my bad luck just NEVER goes aways!!!!!!

Cyndi can...why can't I???

Today I was thinking that sometimes I just don't feel like speaking out loud, so I will do as my great sister has done...blog. I will just be venting or chatting to myself mostly. I am very good at talking to myself! So, lets me get my profile done and we will see how it goes!!